I was in a dark void yesterday. Life, sort of, semi ended as I cried my soul out for help as the voices called me to do some terrible things.
My mind was on a different atmosphere. Granted for 2 days, I had been losing my mind . . . losing sight of what was real and what was not. The pressure that I am under scares me. It pains me. It hurts me. So yesterday, I had nothing left. No strength. No one to turn too in my sorrow as I felt something was there with me. Nothing physical but definitely something spiritual and it was not the best spirit to be around.
I had met another evil spirit in my time of pain but this one didn’t push me as bad as the other one did. It wasn’t nice to be around it, in the dark room where I lay my head. As I begun to let my frustration out in tears and the tears kept flowing and I couldn’t stop.
Here comes this “thing” trying to take my pain away by making me go away for good. I paused in my tears and allow my hyperventilating nature to subside and then a vision of my death is shown to me. All I could see, was my family in a nonstop cry for months and the worst was my mom and grandma.
I too cried and screamed, “No, I can’t do it”. The voices tell me “yes” in the sweetest tone. I continue shouting no and tears continue to fall. My face became numb. My heart heavy. My soul being pulled. The feeling of this mental breakdown was like no other. It hurt…..all over.
The worse thing I can say is that being suicidal is a battle of the mind and I lost all train of thought and feeling. I felt like nothing was important and no one thought I was important enough for them. So what the hell, take my life and allow the pain to go away.
At that moment, whispers from God, and I will assume it was my deceased grandfather and father who told me I still have a place in this world. Its like they shielded me in my time of need. Oh how I wish I could have a conversation with them again.
Today I am feeling the remnants of yesterday but not as bad. Hopefully this touches your soul. Go and you be a friend to a friend, be there for those you love, you never know if u will hear from them again. As no one would have heard from me.