How can I express this so it is clear to everyone….I HAVE TRUST ISSUES! Hands down and no bullshit. Show and prove to me that you need and want me forever. It’s not that I don’t love the person I am with, it is my past revolving in my head of what they did to me and I have to keep my guard up because “what if game”. What if…they want to leave me? Which is fine by me, but the reason of you leaving is more evident to me: talking to someone else, sleeping with someone else, falling in love with someone else is the part that hurts the most. Trust and lies versus Trust and love.
Even as friends and family I have trust issues. If someone says they are going to send me money and they don’t and have me waiting for a long time. Trust is broken. When someone says they are going to pick me up and we gonna go here, here, and there, and they don’t show up , we have a problem. Especially if it happens over and over again. If you break my trust 2-3 times, you pretty much on my shit list of acquaintances. The fact that you rely on someone for something, and it doesn’t happen, trust is broken in seconds, to me, and from then on out I know you can’t be trusted.
When a person gives me there actions and it shows that they “could” be doing something wrong, my antennas just go up and I am all eyes and ears on everything. Like “white on rice”…I am the private investigator. Sometimes its funny because I would do that rather than cheating. I will go through the emotions, the what-ifs mind tricks, the headache and the pain before I cheat on the one I am with. I rather leave him and than sleep with someone else then while I am with him.
My past is so deep and I guess in a way it still hurts cause I have to play this game in my head “well does he really love me or is he just saying it to make me feel better”. I want unconditional love but I don’t know if I will ever get it because of how I feel inside. Maybe it is best to be single and only trust myself.
I want to love, wholeheartedly but it’s very hard when you are not liked/loved the way you SHOULD be loved. Maybe I should see a therapist and have some one on one sessions and maybe they can find the root of the problem.